the monomyth can eat me ...

Life is not a series of spectacular events. Life is long. Changes occur slowly and personalities evolve over time. It's incredibly challenging to take a regular person's life and condense it down into a series of spectactular events, especially when that person is only 31 years old and their story is far from over.

You gotta find the big events, rising conflicts, crisis, showdown, and realization. How has the person changed and what have they learned? Add subtext, subplots, and uncover the theme and flesh it out. Make it interesting enough to hold an audience's attention, cinematic enough to fill a big screen ... and do it all in ninety minutes. The shit is hard! I hate Cameron Crowe for doing it so well in 'Almost Famous.' Hate him, hate him, HATE HIM.

So, long story short, I'm no closer to a final script and Rick is starting to despise me. Meanwhile, Chris has left for Europe to promote his new record, Aaron is busy with things, I've got no rehearsal space or performance space, I've got no James Hetfield, I've got no bass player, and the budget is swelling out of control.

I can only hope that, as I travel this Road of Trials in the Initiation phase of my own three-act hero's journey, I will emerge from this adventure with wisdom to bestow on my fellow man.

Or ... at least ... not go insane.

Copyright of the Gods: The Music Licensing Saga

or ... The Birth of the Bigger Than Jesus House Band

The decision to use a live band in the film was not made lightly. It was the conclusion drawn after nearly a year of deliberation.

See, we'd made the mistake of filming the Clinton Street performance ... and THEN talking to our lawyer. Between fits of choking laughter, he informed us that there was no way on God's green Earth we could sell or distribute in any way a film containing other people's songs. Not unless we wanted Lars Ulrich or Courtney Love to sue our pants off (rule of thumb -- never violate the copyrights of the greedy and the desperate).

"Are you sure?" we asked. "Can't we sell, like, a totebag or something, and call the DVD a 'free bonus gift with purchase'?"

"No," he said. "You can't even GIVE it away."

So we were screwed.

Music licensing is a deeply complex matter that, quite frankly, makes my head hurt. All I know is that -- to use a recorded version of, for example, Led Zeppelin's "Black Dog" -- we'd need their permission and approval, and would have to pay whatever insane fee they felt like charging. But we're not Cameron Crowe (or Cadillac), so it seemed unlikely that they'd ever even agree, let alone charge a reasonable rate. And what of Metallica? Musicians consider the context in which a song is used in a film before deciding whether or not they'll license it to the filmmaker, and there was no way Metallica would ever approve.

So, a few months ago, when we decided to (finally) shoot the Bigger Than Jesus movie, the question once again arose of how to handle the music. I called my lawyer for advice, and he said, "Why not use cover bands? Then you won't need permission and could just pay the flat statutory mechanical royalty rate."

As Courtney Taylor once said ... hot diggety dog!

And so the decision to use cover bands was made.

Then Rick had a vision -- what if we used a live house band during the taping?

"NO!" I said. "No, no, no, fuck you, no. Live band = audio nightmare = heaps more gear = more people = more shit that can go wrong = more drama = more stress for Joni. NO!"

But Rick was so in love with his vision and wanted it so badly, and he got all hyper and excited and shiny-eyed in that way that I just can't say no to.

So I embraced the idea of a live band, which grew into the idea of trolling the listening audience for vocal talent, which grew into the idea of auditioning them on the air, which turned out to be wildly entertaining for all concerned.

After hearing some of the talent out there ... and after metal geek Christopher Morris came on board as Musical Director ... I started thinking that the Bigger Than Jesus house band was maybe ... just maybe ... crazy enough to work.


Then Aaron the Geek came up with the house band's name but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say what it is yet ...

Some days are diamonds...

...and some days are shit, as my eloquent father used to say. Our latest script session for Bigger than Jesus was largely the latter, as Joni and I dug ourselves further and further into a literary morass of subplots and tangents (not unlike a certain radio show we all know), only to look around and realize that we were miles from shore, with no landmarks in any direction.

Jesus, did I just write that? "Morass"? "Miles from shore"? Apart from mixing my metaphors, who WRITES like that? Well, the answer, at least lately, seems to be *me*, which is what has made this latest revision such a pleasure/chore. Not unlike Hawkeye Pierce's tongue-depressor mounument, lately I spend hours on towering creations that must ultimately be dissembled.

Argh. I'm doing it again.

Well, suffice it to say, we are NOT following Mr. King's maxim that "second draft = first draft, minus ten percent."

More later. For now, rest assured that the work is coming along, and that you will never write a song as terrible as "Shandi."

Quote of the day

"Be willing to fall on your face, not your ass"

In the beginning, there was script...

Eight straight hours locked in a small room with Rick working on script revisions. We didn't quite get all the way through the first half but we made excellent progress. Our goal is to get the show down from 2 hours running time to ninety minutes. No small task. It requires cutting whole scenes and shaving the remaining ones down to just the bare essentials.

There are a couple of writers whose influences have been tremendous on this project, and whose advice we return to again and again when making tough choices and comforting one other after hacking up scenes we love or otherwise 'killing our darlings.'

One of our biggest role models is Cameron Crowe, who in the commentary for "Almost Famous" talks about the scenes he cut at the beginning of the movie which, while interesting and insightful, kept the story off the path. Crowe says that, though he loved the scenes, he knew he had to "just get the kid on the road." Rick throws that line at me often when I start getting all arty-farty and try to inject yet even more backstory or unimportant character developments into the script. "Just get the kid on the road!" he hollers. And then I silently curse Cameron Crowe for ever filling Rick's head with such sensible crap. Stupid boys tryinna kill my art...

Another writer whose influence looms large is Stephen King. Not because we're horror or suspense writers, but because King's book On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft is an excellent reference for any writer of any genre. I bought it on CD -- read by King himself -- and I've listened to it at least a dozen times. It's such a fucking fantastic book of entertaining anecdotes and practical writing tips. Wil Wheaton said, at his Powell's reading this past summer, that he keeps only three books on his desk: On Writing, The Elements of Style and the AP Stylebook. I would add The Screenwriter's Bible and a good, hearty thesaurus to that list, and you're ready to take on the world!

By the way, did you know that Wil Wheaton was recently cast in a guest role on CSI? He talks all about it in his blog, describing the audition process all the way through to shooting. He's even got photos of himself in character as a crazy drug addict homeless guy named Walter.

Mmm.... Wil Wheaton....

A few things...

First of all, yesterday we packed into the car and drove to Beaverton to check out a potential rehearsal space for the BtJ House Band. Though the space wasn't right for our purposes (much too small to rehearse our big show), I would highly recommend it to anyone with a band who needs a place to rehearse. It's a 10,000 sq. foot warehouse partitioned off into rooms for bands. It's open 24/7, the prices were great, the location remote yet right by a Max stop, and the owner Chris is a good old boy. It's called Bongo Fury, and the number is (503) 970-0799. I mention it simply because it's hard to find good, clean, respectful spaces to rehearse in, and the owner of this place was a really nice guy and I'd like to see him succeed at this venture.

Secondly -- Rick, Aaron the Geek, Chris the Musical Director and myself conducted a four-hour call-back audition yesterday with vocalists. And ya know . . . I just gotta say . . . those guys blow me away. I can't believe how much talent is just walking around out there. And it's so exciting when a vision you've been carrying around in your head for so long starts to take shape and come to life. Things are happening!!

Thirdly, we stopped by Mt. Tabor late last night to catch a few songs from TV:616, the drummer of which (Brian) belongs to that big, incestuous group of musicians who came on the air a couple of Thursdays ago to close out the BtJ auditions. They were a damn fine loud and rocking group of cats. Check them out at http://www.tv616.com/

That's all for now!

WANTED: Children!

Alright, I'm very excited about this one!

I'm seeking about three children, between the ages of . . . oh, let's say nine and twelve, to sing a song for the movie. We would PRE-RECORD them, so they would NOT be singing live during the show.

Here's the twist -- they will be singing a curse word. Specifically, the word "shit."

So, if you have an adorable little moppet who likes to sing and you don't mind them singing a naughty word, please email me!

Anything we do would be strictly supervised by mom and dad, of course.

Just a friendly reminder!

If you have any questions about "Bigger Than Jesus", be sure to email me, not Rick. He gets heaps more email a day than me, and I'm much more likely to respond in a timely manner simply because I'm less busy.*

You can use this simple haiku to remember:

Comments or questions
To Joni should be emailed
Lest ye be ignored





* And also because I love you more. He secretly hates you, you know.

Joni's Listmania!

So I just had a conversation with Rick about the script. It followed the typical pattern -- I briefly pitch an idea for a scene, and he spends a solid hour telling me why he dislikes it. It's a good system, though. It gives me time to balance my checkbook and paint my nails and even catch a quick nap.

But seriously, the topic of conversation was misfit teenagers in books and movies -- Why some work (ie. are compelling and sympathetic) and why some don't (whiny, dislikable or cloying). Being professional writing thieves, we are constantly looking for successful examples of character studies to "draw inspiration from" and "pay homage to" in our scripts.

So here is a short list of what we've deemed the best-written intelligent-misfit-teenager-coming-of-age stories in film and print. If you've never seen or read or otherwise experienced these works, I highly recommend you do so:

Dawn Wiener - Welcome to the Dollhouse
Max Fischer - Rushmore
William Miller - Almost Famous
Angela Chase - My So-Called Life
Nick Twisp - Youth in Revolt

And I believe that Bobby Hill is the best example of arty, misfit pre-teen currently on television. Furthermore, Bobby and Hank's relationship is the most cleverly crafted father/son dynamic I've ever seen in a sitcom. My favorite exchange between the two came when Bobby told Hank he joined the soccer team -- a sport Hank thinks is for pansies:
Bobby: Dad, why do you hate what you don't understand?
Hank: I don't hate you, Bobby!
Bobby: I was talking about soccer.

I'm on drugs!

So I was really doped up on the cold medicine the last time I posted. Urgh. Sorry about that.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell everyone that Mailman Chris -- perhaps best known for yarking up his teeth during an eating contest -- was unable to participate in the on-air auditions and will be singing karaoke tonight at the Party Gras celebration as a sort of informal audition. I am unable to attend, so I'm relying on everyone else to taunt him mercilessly if he chickens out and doesn't sing. And then report back to me. The 'comment' link exists for a reason, ya know.

It's gonna be swingin'!

But not as swingin' as Karaoke for Jesus Christ! The bigger the waistband, the closer to God. Apparently.

Auditions and so forth . . .

So I'm sitting here listening to Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters" which just came up on my MP3 jukebox. I've spent a lot of time in the past month listening to this song. Why? Because it's one of the new additions to the "Bigger Than Jesus" show. And you know what I've learned, after careful dissection and deconstruction of this song? It's fucking pussy. It's the pussiest song on planet Earth. Really, what were these guys doing?? I was never a Metallica fan, but in the past couple of years, after countless conversations with Rick and guys like him, I've learned that Metallica did something very bad and hurtful to a lot of people -- people I care about. Exactly what Metallica did is difficult to define, but because it brought sadness to so many people I care about, I've taken a deeply personal interest in making the Metallica portion of "Bigger Than Jesus" as honest and heartfelt as possible. There are things that need to be said and I've made it my mission to say them as powerfully as possible. Cause when you fuck with my friends, you fuck with me, Lars Ulrich!

Just for fun, here's an online petition demanding that Metallica ceases collaborations with Bob Rock, whom some deem the source of the pussification of the band's sound since the Black Album.

Anyway, so the on-air portion of the BtJ auditions is over. I've called back the folks I want to hear sing again for a private audition, so if you haven't received a call by now for round 2, you're probably not going to. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you won't get called later! One never knows.

Everyone who was brave enough to come down to the station and sing gets a seat at the show as well as my eternal respect and admiration for doing something I wouldn't do if you put a gun to my head.

You guys are truly the coolest!

Muchas Gracias.

Thanks to Eric, Brian, Craig and Scotty for giving the Bigger than Jesus auditions an appropriately rockin' finish. And check out their other music here, here, and here. Good stuff, I assure you.

As I said to the assembled rock dudes today, I now say to EVERYONE who put their vocal cords and coolness on the line by trying out---I worship the ground y'all float above. As an assemblage of rock and roll GUTS, you can't be beat.

Watch this space as the Bigger than Jesus project develops, and be sure to check out this production diary to track the ongoing progress, creation, and mayhem of the world's rockingest one-man show.

You rule...all of you.

Song List

As reference for all hopeful vocalists and musicians, here is the complete list of songs performed during the show.

(please note: these are not the songs vocalists will necessarily be auditioning to)

- Led Zeppelin - Black Dog
- Van Halen - Ice Cream Man
- Ramones - Do You Remember Rock & Roll Radio
- Metallica - Dyer's Eve, Damage Inc, One, Nothing Else Matters
- KISS - God Gave Rock & Roll to You
- Tommy Tutone - 867-5309/Jenny
- Alice Cooper - I'm Eighteen
- Guns 'n' Roses - Welcome to the Jungle
- Motley Crue - Wildside
- Black Sabbath - N.I.B.

Possible additions: Stryper (To Hell with the Devil), original music for interludes

Wanted: Bass player

Seeking an outstanding bass player to join the Bigger Than Jesus House Band, responsible for providing live musical cues during the show. Must be able to re-create -- with absolute accuracy -- Sabbath, Motley Crue, Metallica, Alice Cooper, The Ramones, Led Zeppelin, Guns 'n' Roses, and much, much more! SKILL and RELIABILITY and UTTER DEVOTION TO JONI AND THE SHOW are top priorities. Think you got what it takes? Email Joni.

The rehearsal schedule will be AT LEAST once a week starting in April and through until the show in June.

Stuff we need

REHEARSAL SPACE (added Jan 1)
Seeking a large space to act as BTJ Rehearsal Headquarters from March through June. We are not picky. We require only lots of room to construct our set and run lines. Must also be large enough to fit a live band. Garage, warehouse, basement . . . doesn't matter, so long as it's big enough. Email Joni if you have any leads.

LIGHTS! LIGHTS! LIGHTS! (added Jan 1)
Do you have access to event or stage lighting? Do you know how to run said lighting? Do you love the thankless toil and chaos of live theater and working for peanuts? (magical, invisible peanuts!) Email Joni and you may very well become her new best friend.

Attention everyone who's submitted stories

It's been a long time coming, and we've received many wonderful submissions! If we choose your story for the DVD project, we will be contacting you sometime in the next few months, so sit tight!

We want your rock stories!

There was a time when music was the most important thing in your life. Your car stereo blared Metallica. Your knuckles said "Ozzy". Your parents were convinced that Satan spoke to you through backward messages in Motley Crue songs. The walls of your bedroom were plastered with posters of Led Zeppelin and KISS. And when it all became too much...school, work, parents...within the walls of that room, it was music that drowned it all out. You didn't have much back then...but you had rock and roll.

There was a time when music saved your life.

We're looking for rock and roll fans to tell their stories in front of a camera as part of the upcoming "Bigger Than Jesus: The Motion Picture". If you live in Portland and would like to be considered, email your story and you may get chosen to participate. Be sure to include your name and telephone number.

Though you are welcome to share anything you feel is relevant, we're specifically looking for stories about the first time you ever heard rock and roll, the Satan craze of the mid-eighties, the great Metallica betrayal, grunge music and the death of eighties metal, rock and roll/heavy metal fashion, and your personal stories of anger, joy, and the times when music was your only hope. Just make sure you don't send any stories you wouldn't be willing to share on-camera!

What is it?

"Bigger Than Jesus: The Motion Picture" will be the definitive filmed adaptation of the one-man show. It will be performed in front of a live audience, but it will not be open to the public and we will not be selling tickets like previous performances. The purpose of this project is to create a DVD encompassing the live act, with supplemental documentaries about rock and roll and music fandom.

Our goal is to make the "Bigger Than Jesus" DVD a community project, involving listeners, friends, and rock fans as much as possible.

We plan to shoot in the summer and have the DVD ready for release in the fall. We're going to need a lot of help to make it happen, so watch this space for ways you can pitch in and add your creative energy to the collective!