The Song Remains Inane

Having posted a long dissertation about powerful, inspiring song lyrics last week, it's only fair that we give equal time. So let's have 'em...let's hear (see) the tackiest, corniest, cheesiest verses out there. Even the ones you love. Especially the ones you love.

Special points will be awarded for terrible lyrics from an artist who's otherwise fantastic.

I'll start:

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the worst Alice Cooper song in all of creation, so cringe-inducingly bad, it makes Spinal Tap seem like a paragon of subtlety:

Well, I ain’t evil, I’m just good lookin’
Start a little fire, and baby start cookin’
I’m a hungry man
But I don’t want pizza
I’ll blow down your house
And then I’m gonna eat ya

You don’t want to talk
So baby shut up
And let me drink the wine from your fur tea cup
Velcro candy, sticky sweet
Make my tattoos melt in the heat
Well, I ain’t no veggie
Like my flesh on the bone
Alive and lickin’ on your ice cream cone

Feed my frankenstein
Meet my libido
He’s a psycho
Feed my frankenstein
Its lunch time
Hungry for love
And it’s feeding time

happy birthday to my offspring

you are in the double digits.

and an awful brat.

but yer cool.

and you can play social distortion on the guitar.

guess we'll keep ya.

Words to Live By

I recently posted a long piece about Bon Jovi's 1994 hit, "Always." I paid particular attention to the song's lyrics; an amalgam of every devotional ballad ever written, they seem ripe for ridicule, or, at least, a knowing smirk. But part of me knows that for every eye-rolling, chuckling hipster, there's a high-school couple who sang those words to each other over the phone...or inscribed them forever in a senior-class yearbook.

Song lyrics are the narration to our own, private movie; a greek chorus of affirmation, pain, and wonder. When I, as a teenage boy, sat alone for endless hours in my darkened bedroom, listening to The Cure, it wasn't just for the melancholy sweep of the music, but also for the words...words that made Robert Smith seem like a friend and companion:

If only I'd thought of the right words
I could've held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you

At happier moments, behind the wheel of my first car, or reveling in my imminent graduation from high-school, I felt intoxicated with newfound freedom and possibility, and the music I blasted reflected that joy. Rob Halford shrieked:

The road is open wide to place your biddin'
Now, wherever you turn, wherever you go
If you get it wrong, at least you can know
There's miles and miles to put it back together
And I'm heading out to the highway
I got nothin' to lose at all
I'm goin' to do it my way
Take a chance before I fall

There's no doubt that these lyrics are overwrought; whether they seem fearless or funny is merely a function of your mindset...and your needs at the time.

So, as we prepare for the release of Bigger than Jesus: The Diary of a Rock and Roll Fan, let's take a moment to reflect on those lyrics -whether plaintive or powerful, ferocious or forlorn- that stuck with us.

What are some of your favorite song lyrics ever?

Update.......

3 new photos of the aforementioned Rock Roundtable are now available for your viewing pleasure on the photo blog


Note: I've been told by several people that buzznet now forces folks to sign in or register before allowing them to view the photo blog. Needless to say, that's wicked lame. Sorry. I guess I'll have to find a different way to share the stills with y'all. Stupid buzznet.

"Rock Roundtable"...Fuck Yeah!

Now that the beans have officially been spilled on the contents of the Bigger than Jesus DVDs, we're free to start masturbatorily gushing about how fantastic all the bonus features are. (Er, I suppose "masturbatorily" and "gushing" may not be the best words, in a back-to-back sense. Sorry about that.)

Anywho...Joni and I recently screened the first 26 minutes of Rock Roundtable, currently in final post-production with the mighty Sigfried.* Having been there for the filming, having seen some video mockups, and having worked with our stellar crew on many projects already, I knew enough to expect greatness, but it's on track to be far better than even we expected, and that's saying something.

Couple brief observations:

• As Milo Bloom once noted, it's a shame that smoking, you know, kills you and all, 'cause it looks so damned cool. Between the whorls of smoke and the blood-red decor of Sabala's Mount Tabor, it looks like Charlie Rose in hell, and I mean that in a good way.
• There's a moment, early on, when one of Eric Helzer's comments strikes such a nerve that, for a moment, it seems decidedly possible that Brian Lehfeldt will punch him squarely in the face. Genius.
• Have you ever seen four grown men spontaneously raise a toast to Cinderella? You will.

Normally, bonus features on a DVD are much like the "new" tracks on a greatest-hits compilation---a way to pad out the album and separate you from your dollars. Not this time. I'm proud to say that this DVD set -all nine hours of it- is worth your time, your money, and your shelf space.


*You know those stories you sometimes hear, wherein a film is still being edited the night before, or morning of, its premiere? I always wondered exactly HOW such things come to pass; I wonder no longer. Between the mountains of film to edit, peoples' outside jobs, our rampant drug use, and the need to sleep at least three hours a night, everyone is starting to have visions of John Gulager.

+++

Bigger than Jesus: The Diary of a Rock and Roll Fan

Pre-orders now being accepted.

Watch the teaser-trailer here, and order safely and securely with your credit card through our official website.

Did your mom always say you were a great writer?

She was probably lying---parents are contractually required to deceive their children about such things.

However, on the off-chance that she was actually correct about your talents, listen up:

Bigger than Jesus: The Diary of a Rock and Roll Fan needs a back-cover blurb, and we want you to write it. (Well, that's not technically true, but we've exhausted our brains beyond the point of rehabilitation, and since The Daily Show has no music-oriented writing, we don't even have anyone to steal from.)

Anyway...if you'd like to see your words forever emblazoned on the back of a future-award-winning DVD, this is your chance.

Simply compose a brief, exciting, somewhat accurate description of Bigger than Jesus; one that, were you to read it, would compel you to purchase said DVD. The winner will not only achieve cinematic immortality and receive a credit for their work, but will be given a free, autographed copy of the Bigger than Jesus DVD, so that he or she may better prove his/her feat to others.


For best results, your blurb should mention the following points about the film, in your own words:

• Features a live band performing three decades of rock and metal classics

• Filmed in front of a rapturous/rabid/worshipful/smitten/love struck audience in Portland, OR.

• It’s a filmed version of the hit stage show

Bonus points if you can convey the following ideas:

• Bigger than Jesus is hilarious, but heartfelt, and truly loves the music it discusses. No ironic, smirky humor here.

• Contains both comedy and drama

Hella-bonus points if you can work in a mention of at least one of the below items:

• Features a long segment on the Great Metallica Sellout

• Features (at long last) a dissenting voice regarding grunge and the legacy of Kurt Cobain.


Feel free to add any other comments or superlatives that you wish...just keep it real, yo.

So...there you go. Think you can sum up all (or most) of that in a few small paragraphs? Nah...probably not. Don't worry, we couldn't do it either; that's why we're pawning it off on you.

Send all submissions to rick@rickemerson.com. Submissions should be no longer than 120 words in length. Have fun with that.

Deadline for submissions is October 21st, 2005. All submissions become the property of Rick Emerson and Joni DeRouchie. So there.

a day in the life of editing Bigger than Jesus...

7:30 am - Wake up, send child off to school.

8:00 am - Establish caffeine and nicotine levels for the day, take Advil if applicable.

8:30 am - Housework. Cut commercials out of day's best-of.

11:00 am - Sit down to edit. Pretend not to notice big, glowing white sugarcube in the middle of the screen.

1:00 pm - Watch "Ice Cream Man" scene a few times. Giggle like schoolgirl.

1:15 pm - Briefly consider bathing for first time in three days. Determine that it's probably a waste of time.

1:16 pm - Stare in awe at Guitarist Jay. Wonder what I did to deserve him.

1:32 pm - Tinker with ending credits. Triple check spelling of last names. Become convinced I've missed someone. Experience moment of terror.

2:00 pm - Leave Rick a series of panicky voicemails which he'll never return.

2:18 pm - Briefly consider eating a sandwich. Determine that it's probably a waste of time.

2:26 pm - Watch "Welcome to the Jungle" scene a few times. Shudder with delight.

2:44 pm - Say silent prayer of thanks to various deities for the existence of Musical Director Chris.

2:50 pm - Work on Act II for a few hours. Feels like 10 minutes.

5:50 pm - Field phone calls from singers and musicians wanting to know when commentary is being recorded. I don't know! Get off my back!

6:12 pm - Make dinner. Watch Futurama with family.

7:30 pm - Putter around with DVD artwork.

9:20 pm - Marvel at Drummer Andrew's magnificent arm choreography during the finale.

8:40 pm - Realize I've spent far too much time marveling at Andrew's arm choreography. Vow to never get distracted by it again.

10:02 pm - Watch Ramones scene. Mutter string of obscenities at The Mystery Cougher.

10:27 pm - Have brief impure thoughts about House Band Singers.

11:03 pm - Chug more coffee.

12:00 am - Take a break for mindless IM chatter and backspacing.

1:20 am - Final pass through scenes in progress. Tidy up cuts.

2:17 am - Watch Daily Show. Feel shamed by Daily Show writers. Consider giving up.

3:20 am - Drift off to sleep. Have strange dream in which James Hetfield is my plumber.

7:30 am - Wake up. Do it all again.

to the person who coughed all through the Ramones scene...

I don't know who you are, but I'm going to find out. I'm going to hunt you down and I'm going to force you to buy 50 copies of the DVD to make up for the insane amount of work you created for everyone concerned. Next time, for the love of God, bring a Halls, man!

A "Credit" to Her Gender. Get it? "Credit?" Ha! I kill me!

On Wednesday afternoon, I got to walk the hallowed halls of DeRouchie Studios and watch as large sections of the Bigger than Jesus opening credit sequence were put together.

Since I'm a largely-untalented boob, it will shock no one that most of the heavy post-production lifting is done by others. In that way, I'm like most of you...in that I often don't see the final product (or at least final cuts of individual segments) until they're done; having me in the mix would only complicate and delay things. All of which is what made Tuesday so great.

Having a rough idea of what the opening credit sequence would consist of, Joni was hunkering down to assemble, edit, and polish it---to turn the idea into a usable thing. This entailed a sound mix (of several different audio sources) as well as numerous small sections of film...all of which had to be heavily processed and matched to one another. Then, there was the issue of timing...how fast should one shot cut to another? How loud should the audio be? And -always the hardest choice- what should be cut when things start to run overtime?

Within a few hours, the figment had become flesh. What had once been an amorphus collection of ideas and notions was now a largely complete opening sequence---one that (hopefully) starts this unique film off on the right note of energy and antici....pation.

What makes this opening even more special is that it contains some great, very stylized shots of certain audience members. Your face may grace tv and theater screens the world over, depending on how things unfold.

I can't wait for you to see. Really, truthfully, I can't wait for everyone to see the whole thing, and that's not a function of my ego, but a reflection of how much energy has gone into this whole labor of love. (Well...and a little bit of ego. Ahem.) Everyone in the audience who supported this project, those who spread the word, told their friends, and put their butt in a seat...as well as the crew, cast, and production team...this really is for you.

December third is coming. Order now.

new stills added to photoblog...

... band shots and Little Dudes ...

um...

file this under "BOOFUCKINGHOO, ASSHOLE".........

Goddamn this band makes it hard to like them sometimes.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
OCTOBER 4, 2005
8:00 AM

Bigger than Jesus: The Diary of a Rock and Roll Fan
Teaser trailer unveiled online

DVD contents revealed; Film set for imminent release;
Pre-orders now being accepted

Portland, Oregon
October 4, 2005

As advance buzz continues to build about Bigger than Jesus: The Diary of a Rock and Roll Fan, the film's producers have unveiled a special, online "teaser" trailer, and begun accepting early orders for the hotly-anticipated film.

Rick Emerson and Joni DeRouchie, the production/writing/directorial team behind the hit rock and roll one-man show, made the announcement via the film's production blog this morning.

Describing the finished product as, "the greatest goddamned thing any of you have ever seen in your whole fucking lives", the duo revealed the existence of a second DVD, one comprised of extra documentary features, behind-the-scenes footage, and early audition tapes, in addition to other material.

Available as a standalone product or as part of a specially-priced "Holy Trinity" package, the supplemental disc, entitled Bigger than Jesus: The B-Sides, was described as "jam-packed with crap", and also features long form interviews with the film's creators and production crew.

Purchasers of the "Holy Trinity" package will receive both the primary DVD -itself filled to overflowing with special content- and the second disc, as well as a replica of the Director's script from the PSU performance of June, 2005, "complete with coffee stains, Joni’s handwritten cues, stage directions, notes, and more."

Street date for the film is December 3rd, 2005, with the official release to be marked by a gala bash featuring live music, special surprise guests, and what one insider would only refer to as "rivers of booze".

Updates are available at the film's official website, or through its production blog: biggerthanjesus.blogspot.com.

###

Contact: Rick Emerson, Writer/Producer, rick@rickemerson.com
Contact: Joni DeRouchie Director/Producer, nerdygirlfilms@hotmail.com

I Swear to God...

I was listening to a Marilyn Manson song this morning, and so help me, he used the phrase "Swing Heil".

One to Grow On

Throughout my life, songs and artists have appeared as if by magic; the right music at the right time often making the difference between life and despair; between hope and dismal resignation.

As I march through adulthood, those moments still occur---perhaps less frequently, but still with the same fire as when I was a gangly, shiftless youth. From Oasis to The Crystal Method, my post-high-school record collection has never stopped growing, even if it's now more often in the form of ones and zeros than actual discs.

Taking a break between Bigger than Jesus work sessions late last night, I asked Joni a question that's been on my mind a lot lately: are there any current musical favorites that you wish you'd had as a teenager? I mean, how different would Joni DeRouchie's adolescence have been if she'd had Rufus Wainwright to serenade her to sleep every night? What would the modern-day Clyde Lewis give to send a Rob Zombie album back to himself in 1978?

I think about Andrew W.K., and how, had I heard I Get Wet as a guitar-wielding teen, I might very well have chosen the path marked "music", instead of "radio". In retrospect, that would have been the wrong career for me -in many, many ways- but I think it might have happened. Something about that powerful, glorious, righteously dumb anthemic genius might have tipped the scales toward a life of rock and roll fameseeking. (Ditto for The Wolf. What would I have given as a teenager to hear someone say, "I want you to remember you're not better off dead"?)

I think about a band like Hatebreed. Since I'm a 32-year-old, poodle-owning nitwit, I find that their brand of furiously-roiling aggro-rock mainly serves to lessen my road rage while driving...or at least re-channel it. But, as a band which essentially performs endless variations on "Dyer's Eve", their steel-hard defiance, their absolute refusal to bend, could have been my teenage self's greatest ally.

Perhaps it's best that these albums waited until my later years to manifest themselves...you don't want to find all the good stuff at once, after all. Such discoveries are like Wonka's golden tickets...great enough to keep you searching, rare enough to take you by surprise.

How about you?